Miss Felicity Beedle is the bestselling author of 57 books, many of which have to do with poo. She is the favorite author of Young Sam, who like all young boys is a big fan of bodily functions.
Felicity's mother had been found by goblins in Uberwald when she was three and was raised by them, much in the Rudyard Kipling vein of Mowgli and The Jungle Book. They embraced her as one of their own – teaching her the language, giving her a mushroom farm plot, allowed her to look after a rat farm. However, when she was eleven, humans came into the goblin cave and massacred most of them, but took the young girl and 'tutored' her – largely by whipping her whenever she spoke the goblin tongue and forcing her to forget her childhood upbringing. This theme resonates with the treatment of native cultures throughout the world, in particular in Canada where natives children were forcibly removed from their family homes and placed in residential schools where they were punished for speaking their own language, beaten and often sexually abused. In Felicity's case, she had enough sense to pretend to be 'converted' so that her increased freedom gave her the opportunity to vault over the wall and escape. She married Mr. Beedle but unfortunately he died shortly after the marriage in the Klatchian war as recounted in Jingo. She had no children by him or afterwards so immersed herself in teaching the goblin children on the sly. Until she met Mr Beedle, some of her best memories had been of the goblin cave. She decided to become a children's author, because, as she pointed out, the words are out there, and it can't be too hard to put them together. When she moved to Apple Tree House in the Shires, she changed her title from 'Mrs' to 'Miss', because it tends to sound more like an author (in the vein of Beatrix Potter). Her books focus on getting children interested in reading, using the topic of poo, which children find fascinating, as her focus.
She has an interest in education; financing scholarships at the Quirm College for Young Ladies and teaching goblins in secret to read, play music, and so forth. She builds a tunnel to their layers under the hill so that she can have access to them without drawing attention to the anti-goblin humans. She does not teach them to be miniature humans, but to be well-educated goblins. She helps to improve the sanitation of the caves, and introduces greens to their diets to help with digestion. She concentrates on the females on the basis that they are more prone to be maternal and likely to be sensible, introducing them to aprons and the like. The male goblins in contrast think that a rabbit on a stick is healthy eating taken to extremes. As a result of her continued contact with the goblins and her childhood upbringing, she often swears in Goblin. The goblin girl, Tears of the Mushroom, is her star pupil. Her large hands are helpful when she plays the harp.
Miss Beedle's works include:
- The World of Poo
- The Joy of Earwax
- Melvin and the Enormous Boil
- The Wee Wee Men
- The War with the Snot Goblins
- Geoffrey and the Land of Poo
- The Boy Who Didn't Know How To Pick His Own Scabs
- The Little Duckling Who Thought He Was an Elephant (but not The Elephant Who Thought it Was a Duckling, because that would be silly)
- Daphne and the Nose Pickers
- Gaston's Enormous Problem, which won her the Gladys H. J. Ferguson Award, for the fifth time
- Geoffrey and the Magic Pillow Case
- Elephant Road