John "Not-A-Vampire-At-All" Smith was formerly known as Count Vargo St Gruet von Vilinus and is not only a Black Ribboner but the President of the Ankh-Morpork League of Temperance. A reformed vampire at the most extreme, Smith makes every effort to conceal any signs of vampirism. He has the affectation of rolling his W's, which makes it sound like he has a stutter when he says such things as "As Commander of the W-w-w-watch, Sir Samuel..." He has a teacup with many holes in it, where he's inadvertently bitten it which, combined with the sweaty face, bloodshot eyes and manic expression on his face, suggest tht he is fining going "B-total" very hard. He wears appalling home-knitted jumpers and smokes a pipe in the belief that this will help him blend in. It doesn't. He also collects bananas and creates models of human organs out of matchsticks because he believes that hobbies help make him more human. Again, given these hobbies, it is obvious they don't. He is instrumental in getting the first vampire, Sally von Humpeding, into the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. His original name "Vilinus" is a play on "villain" (which he probably was before becoming a "black-ribboner" and "Vilnius" the capital of Lithuania (an Uberwald type country in Roundworld) as well as being the scene of one of the battles of the Koom Valley. His pseudonym "John Smith" is a common name for people who wish to remain anonymous like "John Doe" but it also resonates with the character of the doctor in the popular British TV show, Dr. Who occasionally goes by "Doctor John Smith", and who wears colourful vests in many of his incarnations.

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He might be patterned after the unnamed vampire newcomer in Anne Rice's Vampire series novel Blood And Gold who also maintained the belief that hobbies make you more human. This vampire also proved the point that vampires tend to the insanely anally retentive by building, loving and maintaining one of the most complex and intricate model railway layouts known to man or vampire.

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