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Mr Teatime
Jonathan Teatime







Mr Jonathan Teatime (Pronounced "Te-ah-tim-eh,"; everybody gets it wrong) was a student at the Assassins' Guild and a major antagonist in Hogfather. He was taken into the Assassins' Guild at young age and grew to be very resourceful yet twisted young man, apparently an ideal candidate for the job of the Hogfather's assassination. After his failed attempt and demise, he is considered missing, but the Guild still founded a "Teatime Prize" in his honour.


He was a very thin young man in his twenties with a friendly, quite pretty (in a boyish sort of way) pink-and-white face, topped by bright curly hair and a ready smile. This charming appearance was spoiled only by his eyes: one was replaced by a light grey glass (black in the film adaptation) as a result of a childhood accident and the real one is off-white, with a small, sharp pupil. Like the other senior assassins, he is wearing a stylish black suit. Most of the time, Mr. Teatime is a cheerful and pleasant (but odd) young man. However, he often twists content and tone in ironic ways, creating a discomforting effect.


Mr. Teatime is very skillful, resourceful and calculating, therefore it is to be expected that not many things can disturb him. As with any other assassin/gentleman, he is well spoken, well mannered, and fashionably late. Unlike any other assassin, and contrary to the Guild's ethics, he enjoys killing for the sake of killing and does not care about the money. His brilliant mind (all full with firecrackers in the back) seems to see things differently; he sees people as things and he simply fails to see a problem with this. This makes him a very lonely person with no friends, but neither does he have any enemies, and any he does make tend to be short-lived. In all meanings of the term. Just like any other assassin, he dreams of the immortality and fame that come with getting his name in the Cloister.


He possesses physical abilities that defy physics, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing while stopping before hitting flesh, doing the same thing but with eyelids instead of clothing and eyes instead of flesh, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the GURPS Discworld RPG sourcebook co-written by Pratchett) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities, but also means that he implanted notoriously erratic Discworld magic into his own eye-socket. If this is the case, it may help in explaining his unsettling personality as well.

Early age[]

He was taken to the Guild at early age after he lost both of his parents in a tragic accident that occurred while they were leaning over his playpen. Even then, he showed signs of a twisted mind; however, the Assassin's Guild failed to notice that until his newly learned skills of craft became too dangerous. After several disturbing 'accidents' involving Teatime's clients, Lord Downey secretly decided to get rid of him.

In addition to his state of mind, he somewhat "stayed in touch with his inner child", seeing the world differently than the rest. Despite his claims that he is at peace with himself, Susan managed to break this facade and reveal his troubled childhood: he had no friends to play with, as everyone was too afraid and repelled to approach him.

The events of Hogfather[]

During the events of the Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is likely a post-graduate, given he already had 'clients'. When the Auditors of Reality needed someone to assassinate the The Hogfather, Lord Downey found Mr. Teatime to be most suitable for that kind of task. Much to Downey's surprise, he revealed that he often used to lie awake in bed at night and think of ways to kill not only the Hogfather, but also the Tooth Fairy and the Soul Cake Tuesday Duck, among others (including Death). Only as practice, of course. His Hogfather inhumation plan did include inhumation of the Tooth Fairy. Using the teeth she guarded, he planned to take control of children all over the world, all while being unapproachable by Death, hoping to secure his place in the hall of fame. Even the Auditors of Reality were impressed by this vision. Teatime commissioned a group of lowlives and thieves as support and set off to the Tooth Fairy's castle using Tooth fairy Violet and her transporter Ernie as a passport. While The Tooth Fairy managed to scare to death all of the intruders, his bogeyman powers didn't work on Teatime, for he does not have (or else easily locks away) suppressed childhood fears. However, Susan's tease lead to his eventual demise. After falling from the Tooth Castle's tower, Teatime was resuscitated by the Wizards. He immediately proceeded with a plan to kill Death after the Hogfather plan failed, still hoping for a famous kill. This lead to his death by Susan and her monster-killing poker.

The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without a trace since the events in Hogfather. Although he did not manage to get into the hall of fame, they named a "Teatime Prize" in his honour, a prize given after Hogswatch to the two best papers on the subject "Who I Killed on My Holidays". Of course, students are not expected to actually inhume anybody, but to design a possible inhumation scenario. A team of a senior Assassins then assess attached maps, routes, targets and proposed methods of 'solution' before awarding the prize.

Mr. Teatime is played by Marc Warren in the Sky One's film adaptation of Hogfather. The staff thought he was the right man for the role from the "moment he walked in."Not strictly following the book, he had his own ("brave, leftfield") interpretation of Mr. Teatime, based on his thoughts about Johnny Depp in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory as well as Peter Lorre, "just adding a silly voice". He thought his Mr. Teatime looked rather innocent, "but then he kills you".