Mr Teatime
Jonathan Teatime







Mr Jonathan Teatime (Pronounced "Te-ah-tim-eh,"; everybody gets it wrong) was a student at the Assassins' Guild and a major antagonist in Hogfather. He was taken into the Assassins' Guild at young age and grew to be very resourceful yet twisted young man, apparently an ideal candidate for the job of the Hogfather's assassination. After his failed attempt and demise, he is considered missing but the Guild still founded a "Teatime Prize" in his honour.

Appearance Edit

He was a very thin young man in his twenties with a friendly, quite pretty (in a boyish sort of way) pink-and-white face, topped by bright curly hair and a ready smile. This charming appearance was spoiled only by his eyes: one was replaced by a light grey glass (black in the film adaptation) as a result of a childhood accident and the real one is off-white, with a small, sharp pupil. Like the other senior assassins, he is wearing a stylish black suit. Most of the time, Mr Teatime is cheerful and pleasant (but odd) young man. However, he often twists the content and the tone in ironic way, creating a discomforting effect.

Biography Edit

Mr. Teatime is very skilful, resourceful and calculated, therefore it's to be expected not many things can disrupt him. Just like any other assassin/gentleman, he's well spoken, well mannered and fashionably late. Unlike any other assassin, and contrary to the Guild's ethics, he enjoys killing for the sake of killing and doesn't care for the money. His brilliant mind (all full with firecrackers in the back) seem to see things differently; he sees people as things and he simply fails to see the problem with this. This makes him a very lonely person with no friends; but no enemies as well. Just like any other assassin, he dreams of immortality and fame that comes with getting you name in the Cloister.

Abilities Edit

He possesses physical abilities which defy physics, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, doing the same thing but with eyelids instead of clothing and eyes instead of flesh, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the GURPS Discworld RPG sourcebook co-written by Pratchett) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he implanted notoriously erratic Discworld magic into his own eye-socket.

Early ageEdit

He was taken to the Guild at early age after he lost both of his parents in a tragic accident (that occurred while they were leaning over his playpen). Even then, he showed signs of a twisted mind, however, Assassin's Guild failed to notice that until his newly learned skills of craft became too dangerous. After several disturbing 'accidents' involving Teatime's clients, Lord Downey secretly decided to get rid of him.

In addition to his state of mind, he somewhat "stayed in touch with his inner child", seeing the world differently then the rest. Despite his claims that he is in peace with himself, Susan managed to break this facade and reveal his troubled childhood - he had no friends to play with as everyone was too afraid and repelled to approach him.

The events of Hogfather Edit

During the events of the Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is likely a post-graduate, given he already had 'clients'. When the Auditors of Reality needed someone to assassinate the The Hogfather, Lord Downey found Mr Teatime to be most suitable for that kind of task. Much to Downey's surprise, he reveals that he often used to lie awake in bed at night and think of ways to kill not only the Hogfather, but also the Tooth Fairy and the Soul Cake Tuesday Duck, among others (including Death). Only as a practice, of course. However, his Hogfather inhumation plan indeed include inhumation of the Tooth Fairy, as well as taking control of the children all over the world, all while being inapproachable to Death; hoping to secure his place in the hall of fame. Even the Auditors of Reality were impressed by this vision. Teatime commissions a group of lowlife and thieves as support and sets off to the Tooth Fairy's castle using Tooth fairy Violet and her transporter Ernie as a passport. While The Tooth Fairy managed to scare to death all of the intruders, his bogeyman powers don't work on Teatime for he does not have or else easily locks away suppressed childhood fears. However, Susan's tease leads to his eventual demise(s). After falling from the Tooth Castle's tower, Teatime was resurrected by the Wizards after his initial death but he immediately proceeds with intent to kill Death after the Hogfather plan fails, still hoping for a famous kill. This leads to his final death, again by Susan -or rather by her monster killing poker. It's notable that Death himself wasn't even Teatime's client.

The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather, and even thought he didn't manage to get into the hall of fame, they have named a "Teatime Prize" in his honour, a prize given after Hogswatch to the two best papers on the subject "Who I Killed on My Holidays". Of course, students are not expected to actually inhume anybody, but design a possible virtual inhumation. Team of a senior Assassins then assess attached maps, routes, targets and proposed methods of 'solution', before awarding the prize.

Mr Teatime is played by Marc Warren in the Sky One's film adaptation of Hogfather. The staff thought he was the right man for the role from the "moment he walked in." Not strictly following the book, he had his own ("brave, leftfield") interpretation of Mr. Teatime, based on his thoughts about Johnny Depp in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory as well as Peter Lorre, "just adding a silly voice". He thought his Mr. Teatime looks kinda innocent (as much as one can with glass eye) - "but then he kills you". However, Marc's portrayal of Teatime isn't very cheerful or childlike.

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